Friday, March 25, 2011

Terrible Song from My Youth- Jessica Simpson's "I Want to Love You Forever"

People forget that before she was a dim, reality tv personality and before she was in a few movies... and before John Mayer described her as "sexual napalm" (which is the greatest nickname ever), Jessica Simpson was a pop singer.  Her songs were fairly "meh" if memory serves, but she was pretty talented as far as her voice went.  This voice was, to put it mildly, present on her debut single...

"I Want to Love You Forever"

I remember watching this video/hearing this song in awe... Not because it was good.  No, I was in awe because 1) she was the hottest of the crop of blonde pop singers, 2) her mouth opened seductively/ comically wide, and 3) THE SONG JUST... KEEPS... GOING.

I think about the debut singles of the blonde pop stars of that era... All were clear pop songs that were about fun more so than singing.  Britney had "Baby One More Time."  Christina had "Genie in a Bottle."  Mandy Moore (who was probably the least talented but aged the most gracefully) had "Candy."  (Yes, I watched entirely too much TRL back in the day.)  Showing that you're "fun" is important in first impressions.  You wanna chase the fun girl... not the hyper-emotional, clingy chick who's already professing her love.  "I Wanna Love You Forever" is this crazy-ass, dramatic, not-fun song that just gets LOUDER AND LOOOONGER.  It just constantly builds with no variation to the point that it makes your head feel like its going to explode.  And when you think she's topped out, she gets LOUDER.  You just wanna go, "Tell that bitch to be cool. Say, 'bitch be cool.'"

And this motherfucker is needlessly over four minutes long.  Zeppelin had songs that long, but they had awesome guitar solos and sang about Mordor and Gollum and shit.  "Stairway to Heaven" is eight minutes long at best.  "I Wanna Hold You Forever" (Even the title is long! That's eight syllables!) feels longer and reads like bad high school poetry (And I'd know!).  There is nothing lyrically interesting about this song save one brilliant use of sexual innuendo: "Pour yourself all over me/ And I'll cherish every drop here on my knees."  (Holy shit, dude. Sexual napalm!)  Wait, is that even sexual innuendo anymore?  This song is the musical equivalent of listening to a hot girl talking about her cat... and when she notices that you stopped paying attention, she talks louder.

As for the video... I'm very confused with what's happening.  She's at a photoshoot.  I know the point of it is, "Look at me. I'm like a supermodel," but it has nothing to do with this song.  What magazine is this photoshoot for?  Old Timey Planes, Wind Machines and Fake Backgrounds Monthly?  More importantly, where is the dude to whom she is singing?  Is he hiding from her because she has crazy face?  Or is it too late, and he's already dead?  Is the photographer taking pictures for her alibi? Like, "I didn't kill him officer.  I was taking pictures in front of this airplane!"

I mean, check out the chorus.  It's pretty scary on its own.

I wanna love you forever (Umm... I just asked you if you knew the time...)
And this is all I'm asking of you:
10,000 lifetimes together (That's a really long time.  I don't even think the dinosaurs lived that-)
Is that so much for you to do? (Dude, we just met!)
'Cause from the moment that I saw your face (Was that you hiding across the street?)
And felt the fire of your sweet embrace (That was you hiding across the street, wasn't it?)
I swear I knew
I'm gonna love you forever (Please let me go.  I won't tell anyone I swear.)

Really, all the lyrics are pretty insane. I don't know if I'll ever love anyone as much as she loves... somebody.

To cleanse the pallet...

- Adele's "Someone Like You."  Ya know how everyone says buy her album.  Yeah, buy her album.  This song is really amazing.  (It's the album version.  In the live versions, she sings "Don't forget me, I beg" differently...   I like this one more.)

Or if you want something from a blonde pop star, go with the talented one.

- Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man"

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