Friday, March 25, 2011

Marry, Boff, Kill - Captain Planet Edition

So, the original plan was to have a Golden Girls edition, but the more I tried to explain my choices (Marry Betty White, Boff Rue McClanahan, Kill Bea Arthur), I seemed to be getting closer to burning in hell... and really, the explanation is the fun part for me. So, this time around, we're gonna analyze another group of cartoon characters...

The Planeteers

Marry - from southeast Asia, Gi... with the power of Water.
Though I don't really go for Asians, she's cute... I guess... Has a nice little Mia Wallace haircut... Mia Wallace was an okay wife, right? She's Asian, so I wouldn't get flack for this choice from my family... or racists, either. Seems like a win-win all the way around. My folks would be all, "Ooooooohhhhhh.... ching chong, Gi." (It means, "I love you.") And she has the power of water... I don't even know where I'm going with that, but it sounds like it'd be fun.

Boff - from the Soviet Union, Linka... with the power of Wind.
To me, this requires the least amount of thought. She's the hot blonde one who has a Russian accent... and she's a dirty, rotten commie. There's something forbidden and dangerous about it, right? Here, I wrote out our banter...

Me: So... is this our Sputnik moment?
Linka: Go avay. I detest you, American svine.
Me: Sure, I'll go away... with all these nuclear secrets.
Linka: ...Vat do you vant?
Me: Well, why don't you use that power ring of yours and blow me... a kiss?


Kill - from North America, Wheeler... with the power of Fire.
So, three dudes to kill, and I can only pick one. I figure this... if I killed Kwame (from Africa) or Ma-Ti (from Brazil... who has the power of heart... and looks to be shirtless in his picture... ), either could be construed as a hate crime. But with Wheeler... Really the driving force would be that I could have his ring... and who doesn't love fire!?

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