Marry, Boff, Kill- Scooby Doo Edition

Today, I'm introducing a segment (a brain exercise, if you will) made famous by an episode of 30 Rock called Marry, Boff, Kill. That is, we take a group of people, and I argue who we ought to marry, boff (the nice word for f*ck) and who we would kill.

Today's episode... The Scooby Doo Detective Agency.

Kill- Scrappy Doo. Easy. Has there ever been a more annoying cartoon dog? Scrappy Doo was a jerk with a giant head.

Marry- Daphne Blake. Conventional wisdom may be to boff the cute redhead and marry the smart chick, but lemme explain. She's easily the hottest cartoon human in cartoon human history, but she's gotta be cool as shit, too. I mean, how does the hottest chick in town end up hanging with the nerdy girl, a stoner and his dog, the dog's lame-ass nephew, and whatever the f*ck Fred is? Answer: she likes to solve mysteries (philanthropic!) dressed like a hippy flight attendant. Also, if you ever aspired to run for public office, doesn't she seem like the perfect trophy wife? She's a red-headed, liberal Cindy McCain.

Boff- Velma F'*cking Dinkley... (God, they even made her last name terrible.) Yall know she'd be a freak, right? And we're not talking about the Linda Cardellini version from the movies. We're talking about the animated, gremlin-faced, Silent Bob-looking version with the perfectly round head (though I'd forgotten that the animators at least gave her a skirt to remind us that she actually is a girl). How much would it suck to be Velma? She solves mysteries but the stoner's talking dog gets all the credit... (Granted, Scooby IS a talking dog, and that's impressive.) She's always the third wheel when they split up to look for clues, and she does all the work while Daphne and Fred do their thing. And the really smart ones usually have that really dark streak. If only to get that attention that she actually deserves, I bet Velma would be crazy receptive to even the most depraved acts.... Truly disgusting stuff with food, dogs, ghosts, costumes, bondage, old man Smithers, old man Jenkins, and the Harlem Globetrotters... And I bet she wouldn't be a mean later. She'd be all like, "Jinkies, Jack, why are you crying? That wasn't terrible at all!"