Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Horribly Last-Second Live Blogging of The 69th (Heh-Heh) Golden Globes

Hey everyone, Jack here.  The show starts in... 13 minutes, and Lauren and I decided to live-blog the event.  You can follow me and my insane, "just woke up" ramblings here or follow her on twitter at!/motorcycdrama.  If you're watching with us, refresh often!

6:51- Carson Daly's arrival special.  Oh good, I didn't miss anything.  (More after the jump)

6:57- Our sites have been pimped (or "whored"... or "whorn?") out.  3 minutes!

7:00- It's time.  Let's do this.

7:01- These jokes are lacking bite.  Kim Kardashian?  Eddie Murphy?  Are these the sacred cows?

7:06 - What made the jokes funny in the last one was that they had truth.  A Helen Mirren jokes about being disgusting... Not as good.

7:06 - Digging the digs at NBC.

7:06 - NBC is trying to create controversy by showing a bunch of pissed reactions.  It's like they're trying to force-feed edginess.


7:08 - Fun banter with Johnny Depp, but they were funnier on his show.
7:09 - I just don't trust skinny Jonah Hill.

7:10 - Christopher Plummer wins for Beginners.  Haven't seen it.  And thus begins this awkward revelation... I haven't seen many "good" movies these year... Did Ryan Reynolds get any nominations?'

7:12 - I know I should be paying attention, but my mind has been conditioned to stop listening when old people talk about stuff... Sorry, old people...

7:13 - Ashton Kutcher presenting best comedic actress?  Sounds like a bad sitcom set up...

7:14 - Laura Dern?  What the fuck?  I didn't even know that show existed.  "Luke Wilson?"  Is that what he's been up to?

7:17 - Alright, first commercial thoughts... This evening is gonna be crazily sterilized.  They even had banter about how dangerous he is... Ricky was leashed.  Disappointing.  

7:20 - I have no idea what's going on during Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore's banter.  Feel like I've been excluded from an inside joke... Best mini-series or tv movie... I haven't seen any of these either... Am I going to have the realization that I shouldn't be doing this?  

7:22 - I sh*t you not, I always thought it was 'Downtown' Abbey.

7:24 - Lomo "You thought it was "Downtown" too?

7:25 - Love Kate Winslet!  Please make this interesting.

7:26 - Liked her collaboration with Ricky more... 

7:27 - Frieda Pinto... You may remember her from Rise of the Planet of Apes... but I don't know why.

7:28 - So, I'm folding laundry.  I did half my darks, and now I have 4 different kind of socks... How can this be?

7:32 - Jeremy Irons left hand is making me uncomfortable.

7:33 - Lauren - "Everyone seems so stiff."  Totally agree.

7:37 - Wins for Kelsey Grammer, Christopher Plummer and Laura Dern?  What year did I wake up in?

7:38 - Kelsey Grammer's wife is pretty.  Much better than the playboy bunny with IBS.  I don't think I made that up.

7:40 - See?

7:42 - Lauren - "At least Amy and Tina and that whole table looks to be having a good time.  i wish the camera would just stay on them."

7:43 - IDEA!  A drama/comedy that takes place at an award show.  It's ours.  Back the f*ck off.

7:44 - The Artist has to win it.  It's nothing but music... BOOM.

7:46 - BOOM.  Still haven't seen it because the talking pictures are still the rage.

7:48 - I know what Adam Levine is trying to do with his facial hair... but it doesn't match the tux.  Go Bond or go beard.  Pick one.

7:50 - Huh... Madonna.  "Masterpiece."  Never heard of that one either.  Have I reached that age where I'm too old to recognize the things new kids like?  (Yes.  You should how confused I get at the VMAs.)

7:51 - Wow... These crowd reaction shots of unamused people... Is this intentional?

7:52 - Well, that was pointless.

7:53 - So NY vs. San Francisco and New England vs. Baltimore... I kind of hope it's SF vs. Baltimore, so that we can officially call this year's superbowl the "Who Gives a Shit" Bowl?

7:55 - Idiris Elba coproduced a track with Jay Z?  That's fucking awesome.

7:59 - They're playing him off.  Heimdel, open the bifrost!

8:01 - Thank you, Seth Rogan.

8:02 - And Michelle Williams brings this down.  Hey, did she end up with Dawson?  I forget... and it's the only other thing I know her from.

8:04 - I wonder what James Van Der Beek is doing... 

8:05 - Thought... maybe Ricky Gervais is not being funny or edgy or attacking anyone because that's what we all expected him to do.  Maybe he's trying to be lame because that's what'd piss everyone off more... 

8:08 - Loves me some SMG, but that dress is just bonkers.

8:09 - Never got 'round to Game of Thrones, but I hear he's amazing.  Question, would you rather have the microphone lowered or have a tiny set of stairs to a really high microphone?  

8:12 - But did they change the game?  Or are the Yankees still championship-winning bastards?

8:13 - Jessica Alba and Channing Tatum... Have either of them been in a "good" movie?  Ever?  Even if it was just a line?

8:15 - Okay, truthfully... Did anyone else think The Adventures of Tintin was about a dog?  (That's Rin Tintin or something).

8:15- It's been awhile since we had a good dog movie.  Rest in peace, Air Bud... you magnificent bastard.  Did he get the "In memoriam" thing at the Oscars when he passed?

8:18 - Just saw the commercial for The Vow.  Channing Tatum is the definition of a dancing monkey that should just dance.

8:20 - Damn, should have live blogged Betty White night.  That would have been more entertaining.

8:21 - Lomo just sent me an article about dwarf tossing.

8:23 - Nicole Kidman.  Lovely.  Now wondering if Katie Holmes will age that well.   Just need to mention Joshua Jackson, and I will have Dawson Creeked this blog post.

8:25 - Okay, the next time I do this, it will involve whiskey and a hooker.  Not for sex, mind you.  Just for companionship.  And haven't you ever wondered what a crack whore thinks about Downton Abbey?  "Why these bitches talk all weird?  I knew a ho named Downtown Abby."

8:35 - The chick from the killing looks like she just saw a ghost.

8:36 - Claire Danes' hair reminds me of Mitt Romney's... or Leslie Knope from that one episode.

8:38 - It never occurred to me how much "Kraft cheese" sounds like "crap cheese."  Did you know that there is a brand of Kraft cheese called "white American" cheese.  It is better... no... more superior to all other darker, terrorist cheeses.

8:41 - At least they address Katherine McPhee's "talent" in that new show of hers... "She may green, but she's certainly trying."  Also, those thoughts are pretty independent of each other.

8:43 - Emily Blunt is so fucking pleasant.

8:45 - Jesus Christ, Thomas Jane.  Take off that hat.

8:46 - Matt Leblanc still acts?!?!?!?!  Matt Leblanc was nominated for Joey?!?!

8:46 - Matt Leblanc, I used to do that with my hair too.  We're not fooling anyone.

8:47- Bradley Cooper somehow managed to half ass both a beard and a mustache.

8:54 - Wow... Reese Witherspoon... Love to see her without her spoon, if you know what I mean... (No idea what that means, but it sounded good.)

8:56 - Huh... Sidney Poitier... One of those guys that I just assumed was dead... Sorry dude.

8:57 - Oh shit, Sidney Poitier is a zombie.

8:58 - Drunk British people are apparently just like sober American people... and Morgan Freeman is just as confused as the rest of us.

9:01 - You know who you should avoid?  Anyone that says, "I really feel like watching Se7en," or anyone that has an uncommonly positive reaction to that movie.

9:02 - Why have I never seen Morgan Freeman in the Electric Company?!?  That was fucking awesome.  Morgan Freeman bathing in a casket it the best part of the evening.

9:04 - Anyone get the impression that Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren totally did it?

9:11 - So Glee had Lea Michelle, a bona fide, established Broadway actress for its lead.  Smash has a 18th runner up for American Idol... This is not gonna end well for them.

9:13 - Is Ricky Gervais dead somewhere?  \

9:14 - I feel like Angelina Jolie is trying to bring awareness to the starving children of the world with this look... 

9:16 - I wanna think that something funny was said... by someone.

9:20 - It still shocks me that Sofia Vergara has an 19yo son.  That poor bastard.  Also, best "speech" of the night.

9:25 - Shouldn't the people that present best actor/actress have a shot at winning someday?

9:26 - Is the black dude sitting up front who's wearing the kangol Sam Jackson?... Is that racist to ask that?

9:31 - Wouldn't it have been more prudent of NBC to promote their other shows as well as Smash and The Voice?

9:34 - "What you don't know about him is he's very racist.  Very.  I mean really nasty stuff.  I've seen him punch a little blind kitten." (Ricky on Colin Firth)  Awesome.  Stick with the absurd, dark, made-up stuff if you're gonna pull punches.

9:37 - Get off the stage, Meryl Streep.  You'll get them next time.

9:40  THE ARTIST!!!  My fake hooker would say, "Why ain't these bitches talking?"

9:47  Good roast of Natalie Portman.

9:48  Standing O for George Clooney... Something tells me he's given a couple standing O's in his time.  Mwahaha... 

9:49  Maybe it's like performance art.  Brad Pitt is Jesus, and Angelina looks like the starving.  

9:51  Where's Tom Hanks?

9:54  Harrison Ford deserved a better introduction.

9:56  The guy speaking for The Descendants looks like he could be Daniel Craig's nerdy son.  Like, if Q developed something that cloned James Bond, but Q wanted to put some Q in him... 

9:58  That's it?... Wow, very disappointed in the supposedly-provocative Ricky Gervais.  Feels like he sold out.  Alright kids, we're out.

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