I didn't catch TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (F*ck it, I'm just gonna call it Transformers 3) when it was out in the theaters. Frankly, I didn't care about the ongoing exploits of Sam Witwicky and his robot pals. But, I love a full collection (I have the other two, and I actually enjoyed the second one.), and I was told by someone that it's a pretty good movie. So I bought it.
It. Is f*cking. Terrible. (More after the break)
I thought about live blogging it, but it's good that I didn't. I dozed off at least twice. And rather than write a standard review, I thought I'd just write down some thoughts.
- Optimus Prime is a dick in this movie.
1. There's a scene near the beginning where he was giving the silent treatment. The brave and noble leader of the autobots... The being to which we should all aspire... The moral compass of the movie... is pouting... like a bitch. And then he immediately comes out when one of the other talking robots tells him to... What's the point of that? Why even have that part in there?
2. So, the decepticons say that if the autobots leave, they'll just get some Earth resources, and then they'll leave, too. We all know that it a lie. We know that the noble thing for the autobots to do is leave, and they do. This is fine. Optimus leads the autobats away, and the decepticons take the opportunity to destroy Chicago. Turns out the autobots didn't leave... so they were all around the entire time Chicago was being leveled. Optimus said he did this to show humanity that the decepticons are evil and that they won't leave the planet peacefully. I mean... I get the lesson, but did he really have to let them destroy the entire city and kill a bunch of innocent people to make his point? That's a dick move. It's like, if Optimus Prime could have prevented 9/11 but needed people to believe that terrorists are bad guys. Is the US population in that universe so dumb that they believe a race of beings called DECEPTICONS will live up to their word? DECEPTICON. Fuck, there's two clues: "Deceive" and "Con." Couldn't he just have left until the decepticons fire those first shots and then intervene? Wouldn't it have been better if you saved the city or at least the people? Then, at the end of the movie, Optimus has the gall to say this...
"In any war, there are calms between storms. There will be days when we lose faith. Days when our allies turn against us... but the day will never come that we forsake this planet and its people."
3. He should have died by Sentinel Prime's hand at the end, but for some unknown reason, Megatron wanted to have a truce (Makes no fucking sense)... so Optimus waits for Megatron to kick Sentinal's ass, and then Optimus cheap shots Megatron and rips his fucking head off, and then kills Sentinal Prime in cold blood... Han shot Greedo first because Greedo was gonna shoot Han or take Han prisoner. Han didn't rip Greedo's fucking head off. Han didn't shoot some other, crippled, unarmed dude as he's begging for mercy. Optimus Prime is a dick. If, and this is a big if, they try to concentrate on the logical progression of things, the next movie should totally be about the public's distrust of Optimus Prime.
- The autobots are just as bad as the decepticons because neither have any remorse nor regard for humanity or its creations. It's like that scene from Team America where Team America "saves" Paris from terrorists, but the entire city has been destroyed in the process. For much of this, I felt like one of the people that think the giant robots should go elsewhere and quit fucking up things on earth and giving Shy Lebeef more money.
- Speaking of Shyla Beef, it occurred to me that one of the sentences never uttered by man is, "Boy, this movie needs more Shia Labeouf." (Another is, "I wonder what Apl.de.ap thinks.") He wasn't quite as annoying with the "No, no, no, no, no," but man, I grow tired of that guy.
- Maybe this is just the Asian in me talking... but Ken Jeong annoys me when he does the manic Asian guy thing. I thought his role in THE HANGOVER was stupid and offensive. He's the equivalent to Mickey Rooney's Mr. Yunioshi only Jeong is actually Asian.
- Why is Frances McDormand in this movie? Frances McDormand, you're better than that.
- Rosie Hunington-Whiteley did okay as "the girl"... I never thought that she was all that attractive, but she was not hideous. Still not as hot as Megan Fox, but whatever. But she was proof that it really didn't matter who "the girl" is in these movies. But really, Michael Bay? She's going to call Megatron a bitch, and he's not gonna do anything about it? Evil incarnate is called a bitch by a human, and he does nothing. Regular people call other people "bitches" all the time, and those regular people get shanked. But no, she's fine.
- As I mentioned above, I fell asleep at least twice during the near-three hour long movie. Of course I fell asleep. Nothing really happens the entire first act. There's entirely too much talking and forced plot and yet nothing happens. Hell, the bad editing kept me awake... And then the second half is a CGI circle jerk, and that's somehow worse. It's all white noise. CGI robots beating on CGI robots, and it's hard to follow what's happening and who's dying. (It's like when you watch sooooo much porn that it just becomes boring... No?... Just me?.. ahem...) This is a sign of a bad movie: You fall asleep for 15-20 minutes, wake up, and you didn't miss a thing. Robots are still fighting Robots. Shia is still yelling. Explosions. Blah, blah, blah, blah...
- The initial destruction of Chicago was done with quick cutaways on fleeting images. Filming those scenes and giving them time to breathe would have given the film some weight. Given some tragedy to the story. But it happened so fast that it was the equivalent to a sign saying, "24 hours later, Chicago was destroyed."
Worst movie ever? No. Worst movie over 2 hours and 30 minutes. Possibly. Popcorn movie? Sure, but you better sprinkle it with caffeine and crack to stay awake and keep interested.