Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Terrible Song From My Youth - "Deepest Bluest (Shark's Fin)" by LL Cool J

Deep Blue Sea was actually a decent movie featuring one of the greatest, most spit-take worthy moments in recent memory. It was a modern shark movie featuring genetically altered sharks that gained intelligence. And it also featured LL Cool J's TERRIBLE song tie-in, "Deepest Bluest (Shark's Fin)."

What was LL trying to accomplish with this song?  Well, I think that he was trying to be Will Smith... (which is sad because Will Smith never had a song as catchy as this.)  Will Smith went through that stint in his career where he'd be in a fun, summer movie, and he'd accompany said movie with a song tied to the movie... Men in Black, Men in Black 2 (whose song was far superior to the first), and Wild Wild West.  There was something fun about those songs. They seemed to embrace their ridiculousness.  They were light-hearted and fun.  "Deepest Bluest" takes itself way too seriously.  You know why that's a problem? "Deepest Bluest" is a song about LL Cool J imagining himself as a shark.  Sharks are scary.  LL Cool J is kind of intimidating.  But this song is flat out ridiculous.

Where to start?... The song is called "Deepest Bluest (Shark's Fin)." That's bordering on nonsense. I like that he felt that he needed to add "Shark's Fin" in ellipses. That's some artistic stuff, right there.  More after the jump.

As stupid as this song is, it's an awesome usage of his imagination.  He's pretending to be a shark...rap battling a human.  If you read the lyrics, you can imagine him doing his research of shark and ocean facts... I imagine LL googling (or whatever the hell we did in 1999) sea terms and trying to rhyme them.  I would have LOVED it if he somehow used "chum" or "seamen."  Well.. no, I guess there's no badass way of saying you swallowed loads of "seamen." Good job, LL.

So, here's the part where I take select lyrics from the song and analyze them...

(The chorus)
Deepest, Bluest.   My hat is like a shark's fin. (repeat)

Ya know what's not intimidating?  A hat that's like a shark's fin.  I don't care how big and how ripped you are. If I see you in a hat that's like a shark's fin, I will laugh at you. Stab me if you want, but I will laugh at you.  You're wearing a pointy hat.  Deal with it.

"Jet black eyes baby they stare while you sleep
When your Titanic sinks I'm the one you gon' meet.
Hearing terrified screams they surround my team
All you see is trails of blood
Even God won't intervene"

Why use "Titanic?" Why not just say "ship" or "boat?"  Titanic doesn't work.  Using "Titanic" is stylish but lazy (like me).  I just googled "Titanic" and "shark attacks." The first entry states, "How many people died because of a shark attack on the Titanic shipwreck?" The answer: "Sharks don't live that far north in April when the water temperature is near freezing." FAIL, LL.

Also, "Even God won't intervene?" Yikes... Now, I'm not religious, but I wouldn't doubt God's power as I write a song about how my hat is like a shark's fin.  I mean, how's the film career, LL?  God ain't doing much intervening on your behalf since you became a shark.

"Our Father who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Killers sworn to beast
Swallowed them in flames"

Yes, those are actual lyrics. This is a good trick. You take a bunch of cool, interesting-sounding, dramatic words and clump them together... But when you step back and read, there's just so much nonsense there.

"Weapons left behind
We dueling with the mind
You blind, crippled, or crazy
You're real easy to find.
Struggling to flow with hemorrhages in your throat
Getting the lap dance while I smash through your boat."

I know we live in an incredibly PC world these days... and I know that what he's saying is true.  Yes, a shark would most easily find "blind, crippled or crazy" people... but that just seems offensive. Although, why is a blind person on a boat? What kind of enjoyment could a blind guy get from being on a boat? Why not fly? Nevermind... Apologies to all the blind readers reading thi-... Nevermind.

Oh, and "getting the lap dance." What the fuck does that mean?

Abandoned pirate ships
Eels and sod scum
Fish that glow in the dark
The Titanic's hub

There's the "Titanic" again!  WHY?!  Okay, surely invoking the Titanic will make sense this time, right?   Shark's swimming around the Titanic wreckage. That's... Wait.  A quick google search shows that "sharks can swim on the surface of the ocean as well as deep as 6000 ft," and the Titanic is about 13,000 ft below.  See, not only is this song terrible, it is scientifically irresponsible.

And beyond the lyrics, the tune itself isn't very good. "Wild Wild West" was pretty stupid, but the tune was fun and memorable. That terrible song was well-produced.  Even after listening to "Deepest Bluest" a couple of times. it still isn't memorable.  It's generic rap.  Sample something, LL.

So, in conclusion, this song sucks, and Will Smith could have made it better. Seriously, take the chorus from "Wild Wild West" and change the words to "Deep Blue Sea." Trust me. I've given this entirely too much thought.

To cleanse the pallet
"The Black Suit's Coming (Nod Your Heads)" by Will Smith (from Men in Black II)
"Gay Fish" by "Kanye West" from South Park

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