For today's terrible song, we're doing Billie Myers' "Kiss the Rain."
Now, I'm all about new ways to present these... I considered a one act play with her lyrics, but I couldn't out-ridiculous Billie Myers' words. Another thought I had was a video tentatively titled, "Can I be Crazier than Billie Myers?" But unless I actually cut my ear off, I don't think so. Why? Because this bitch crazy! Note that I purposefully omitted the verb because I don't have time to waste on verbs. For shits and giggles, here's how I would describe this song/video if all I had was a 19th century telegraph:
BITCH CRAZY (STOP) GET OUT (STOP) CALL COPS (STOP)
So, what did I hate about this... To start, Billie Myers has the least pleasant voice of any musician I've ever heard.
I'm assuming that she sounds as she does because she's going for vulnerable... but her monotone yet shaky delivery makes her come off as unstable. And an unstable voice saying things like, "Am I getting through to you?" "Are you sure you're there alone?" and " Do you miss me? I hear you say you do, but not the way I'm missin' you," is very disquieting.
I have no idea what's going on with this song. She misses someone... I guess. And she's talking to them... maybe. I mean, she's talking to someone... but she's alone... And she's essentially saying, "When you miss hearing my paranoid, insane blather, go outside and kiss the rain." And then in the video she just starts trashing her room... which I suppose is a metaphor... for something.
So, Billie is saying that when I miss her (which, frankly seems unlikely and mighty presumptuous), I should "Kiss the rain." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?! How does one kiss the rain? Do you kiss upwards while it rains. Because you can't ALWAYS do that? Hell, even in THE CROW, a depressing, bleak movie, they say it can't rain all the time. Are we supposed to go outside and kiss a rain puddle?... Cause that's gross. "If your lips feel lonely and thirsty, kiss the rain." How is the act of kissing the rain going to help you feel less lonely and thirsty? I, personally, avoid the people standing in the rain who are making out with... something upwards. And if you excuse me for a second while I kiss upwards in the shower to test the concept... Yep, that did nothing to quench my thirst. Myth busted. Made me feel like a jackass, though. Thanks, Billie.
The lyrics are something special, but I think I hate the song so much that I won't go into great detail... Just know that the song starts with...
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
Look, we've all missed someone so much we could hardly bear it. We've all felt crazy and self-destructive (as the video shows) because of great longings... but I don't get what she's trying to do here, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. So much so that I can't listen to this entire thing at once.
To cleanse the pallet, I'm going with my all-time favorite sad song: Coal's "Stay." Both songs are about missing someone, and both are handled with an overemotional plea. So why don't I call this singer a crazy bitch and say she needs to be cool? Because this song is done in such a way that I understand and empathize with what she's going through. In "Stay," the self-destruction and pain and heartbreak is much more real. It's internal and not... whatever the hell Billie Myers is doing. There is nothing strong or empowering or inspiring or uplifting about "Stay." And that's why I think it's perfect. It captures that helpless and hopeless feeling when you are so completely into someone who is so completely not into you and you miss them beyond reason... But instead of wishing that this someone would do some weird shit with precipitation, the singer just pleads, "Stay with me" in a gorgeous, fragile, childlike way. It's sung with a raw emotion. Whenever I hear it, I always think of the ecstasy of grief.