Saturday, April 2, 2011

Terrible Song from My Youth - Clay Aiken's "Invisible"

Clay Aiken burst onto the scene in 2003 thanks to American Idol... (Yeah, Thanks American Idol). He weird looking and nonthreatening (until you remember serial killers also look nonthreatening and are even scarier when they have that really southern accent) yet I must admit that he has a pretty solid, powerful singing voice. I get why he got as far in that competition as he did. Which brings us to our terrible song...
So, why is it terrible? We're gonna concentrate on the first verse and the legendary chorus.
To start with... HOLY CRAP. It's not even bad, high school poetry. This is the kind of shit that you hear stalkers and obsessed, unhinged psychopaths say/cut into their arms.

"Whatcha doing tonight?
I wish I could be a fly on your wall (...D'what now?)
Are you really alone? (Kay, that is almost never a good question to be asked. Nine times out of ten, being asked this question means you're about to be killed or tortured.)
Who's stealing your dreams? (Where did that even come from? It conjures up images of the sandman sneaking into your room while you're asleep... and violating your mind)
Why can't I bring you into my life?
What would it take to make you see that I'm alive? (So, you're gonna end the verse on that question but then jump into speculation on being invisible? Ya know what won't help us see that you're alive? BEING INVISIBLE.)

If I was invisible,
Then I could just watch you in your room. (And there's the creepiest line in music history... Think about it. If he had the power to be invisible, instead of doing many great and wonderful things with a bona fide superpower... instead of giving the world hope... instead of doing a service for his country... he'd just watch you in your room. Instead of preventing nuclear war, he'd sit on your bed as you type at your computer... and probably masturbate furiously to the back of your head.)
If I was invincible,
I'd make you mine tonight (That's right, if he were invincible... INVINCIBLE. That is, if he couldn't be killed or beaten or destroyed or stopped. If he could withstand gunshots, stab wounds, mace, fire, tasers, the word "no," law enforcement, God, the devil, etc... If he could withstand ANYTHING... Yeah, he would rape you.)
If hearts were unbreakable,
Then I could just tell you where I stand. (That was almost a good lyric, actually. Problem with this line and this song is it's too much about "I." And I don't give a crap about how you would stalk me. See, I can be a real critic, too.)
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible (How would being invisible make you the smartest? That's aspiring-to-conquer-the-world villain logic.)
Wait..I already am (Umm... Oh, he means metaphorically... Right?)

Good luck sleeping tonight knowing Clay "The Night Man" Aiken is hovering around your room... watching you... breathing on your neck... smelling you chair... licking your keyboard... researching ways to become invincible so he can make you his... (You will never get this boy's hole, Nightman!) Suddenly I can't think of anything that will scare me more than the thought of Clay Aiken in my closet. (Oh shit, he's out?!?)

And he does it in this happy, peppy pop song... The juxtoposition of the craziness spouting from his mouth with something so upbeat compounds the effect of impending doom. It's disconcerting.

It doesn't matter that Clay Aiken looks like a serial killer. You could take the hottest or tannest or cutest person ever and have them recite these, and it'd still come off as insane. The fact that he looks creepy doesn't help, though.

As for the video... Pretty boring really. He's giving a concert... Looking extra happy with himself. Question I have, though, is why the hell does it take six people to play this song? Are they gonna be invisible too?

To cleanse the pallet... the Toadies' "Tyler." This song actually IS about stalking and breaking into a home and possibly murdering someone... It's dark and menacing, and it channels a very crazy place. But it's good. It's lyrically, musically, and structurally beautiful. There's a point in it where the music swells, and Vaden Todd Lewis let's out a primal scream... and it's kind of cathartic.

No comments:

Post a Comment