Thursday, September 15, 2011

Jack Reflects on Star Wars on Blu-Ray

Soo... I am not going to buy it.  Maybe someday.  I own the two trilogies on DVD already.  I don't care enough about the movies to watch the three disks worth of extra footage.  That shit will be on youtube or the imdb trivia page.  And who knows how much longer Blu-Ray is gonna be around?

The first three movies (episodes 4-6) are still gonna be the same classic movies with minor changes.  The second three will still be "meh," and they'll still all look like they were filmed on green screen, and they'll still be pretty boring, terribly written, and terribly acted.  I can defend my ridiculous LOTR blu-ray purchase because they added literally hours of new things to those movies... Probably too much, but whatever.

The nerd community has been outraged (is it me, or is the nerd community always outraged?) with a couple changes to the classics.  The biggest being Darth Vader screaming, "Noooo!" at the climactic moment in Return of the Jedi.  (Entirely too much more after the jump)

I actually don't mind that George Lucas decided to add words to that scene.  It works as is and has worked as is since 1983... but it always struck me as odd that nothing was ever said.  I know that when I fantasize about throwing evil people to their death, I always say something.  To me, it wasn't filmed well enough to see the tension and the conflict inside Vader to ultimately do what he did.  To me, it was basically watching Darth Vader watching tennis.  Luke.  Emperor.  Luke.  Emperor.  Luckily, the music made the scene.  There should have been a look away because he couldn't watch this happening.  Maybe even a shot of him tensing up.  Making a fist.  Whatever.  So, adding words is fine with me.

What kind of bothers me is that adding "No... Noooooo!" is more lazy writing and doesn't add to the scene.  The first "no" sounds confused.  Like... "No?"  Why not add something poignant to show that he has reclaimed his humanity?  Like... (and I wrote this off the top of my head so don't judge) 
LUKE: Father, please!
VADER: What are you doing?
EMPEROR: Silence your tongue, Lord Vader!
(continues killing Luke... Vader has internal conflict)
VADER: No... My name... (picking Emperor up) is Anakin... (throwing) Skywalker.

Or reaffirm his affection for Luke with something like, "You will not harm my son," or "I will not let you take him."  Some shit that adds something more to the scene.  Not just "Nooooo!"

But it could be worse.  Vader could have quipped as the emperor fell to his death.  "May the force be with you," or "See you next fall," or "I'm his father.  Who's your daddy?"  Or even used another movie's line that makes no sense in context... "Yippi-kay-yay, mother fucker."  ...Just saying.

I've heard people say it was done to add a bit more symmetry with the end of the inferior trilogy, but that other "Noooo!" was met with much, justified criticism.  Why not take out that "No," and just add a heart-wrenching, blood curdling, rage-infused, near-psychopathic, primal scream?  Let him go all Sean Penn in Mystic River sans the "Is that my daughter in there?"  I could imagine Hayden Christensen doing that more than the extended, howling at the moon, "No."

Shit, is this how fan fiction starts?... Uh-oh...

I've also heard that George Lucas is just fucking with the fans at this point.  You know what would be beyond great?  What would make him legendary again?  If he just did a cut where the whole point was just to piss off the fans.  Star Wars: The Get Over It edition.  No more blasters or lightsabers.  Just walkie talkies and cell phones.  Han shoots first and misses but then uses the force to make Greedo shoot himself.  Even less action and more talk about trade federations and blockades.  Have the dark side win.  Have Chewie be able to speak Spanish.  Bring back Yub Nub... extended... and in English.  Say the whole saga took place on Earth in the futue, and it turned out that it was all from the perspective of an alien.  Just go nuts and have the last reel be George Lucas swimming.  No reason.  10 minutes of him doing laps.  Better... CGI laps in a pool that has "magnificent bastard" written on the bottom... in comic sans.  With John Williams scoring it.  Oh, I would buy that shit.  On Blu Ray.

Anyways... In closing, there have been so many editions of these movies, so just pick the one that makes sense for you and stick with that one.  Because Lucas says this new stuff is definitive doesn't mean it has to be.  Not for you.  Take back the childhood that George Lucas is allegedly raping.

Also... Han shot first.

Oh, and this is funny.

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